What Do I Say?

As mothers, when do we show our opinion and when do we "play it cool"?

For months Naomi has wanted to be part of a jump-rope team that practices at her school--The Thunder-Stompers. June is try-it-for-free month, so we went last week. She chose her cutest skipping outfit. She spent an hour looking for her best jump rope and finally found it. She had her water ready and her sneakers on in record time.

But then we arrived and I saw her searching for some deep dark hole to dive into. There were teenagers. There were kids who knew how to do super-cool tricks. She didn't know anyone except a 6 year old from Eliza's class.

I watched it all with the wisdom that 24 years distance brings. I saw how open and warm the kids on the team were. I saw how much fun they had together. I saw how Naomi's endless stamina would make this such an ideal fit for her. So would the fact that it is mostly an individual sport. I saw how the cooler kids and the chubbier kids and the younger kids and the less-coordinated kids were all included and encouraged.

And I thought of how helpful it would be to wear her out twice a week with skipping for two hours straight. And I thought of how our family of four would be able to juggle this additional activity so easily because it is two blocks away. And I thought of how many years I've been hopeful that she would have an interest to call her own. Anything that she feels good about doing.

And I saw Naomi desperately fighting to not be noticed, not stick out, not mess up. I saw how this decision will not come down to skipping for her at all, but to whether she can be brave in the face of a new situation with expectations she doesn't understand and a deep social pool that she'll need to swim in.

So, I desperately want Naomi to participate. I think she'd be great. I think she'd love it. And I don't know whether she'll be able to make the plunge.

Do I tell her how great I think the whole thing would be for her? She won't understand it all anyway. Or will knowing that her mother wants her to do it take just a little bit of the excitement out of it? Like finding out that my chocolate cake has zucchini in it.

My mother wisely didn't say much when I had creepy boyfriends. I'm sure if she had said what she really thought, I would've held on to them tighter.

Sometimes expressing our opinions to our kids can have an undesirable effect, I think. But which times are those?

A great song from the musical The Fantastiks:

Dog's got to bark, a mule's got to bray.
Soldiers must fight and preachers must pray.
And children, I guess, must get their own way
The minute that you say no.
Why did the kids pour jam on the cat?
Raspberry jam all over the cat?
Why should the kids do something like that,
When all that we said was no?
My son was once afraid to swim.
The water made him wince.
Until I said he mustn't swim:
S'been swimmin' ever since!
Why did the kids put beans in their ears?
No one can hear with beans in their ears.
After a while the reason appears.
They did it cause we said no.
Your daughter brings a young man in,
Says "Do you like him, Pa?"
Just say that he's a fool and then:
You've got a son-in-law!