do you ever have days

where you realize that you're not as good a friend as you thought you were?

when pondering upon this, do you ever realize that your parenting is poopy and your marriage is not a romantic comedy after all?

and sometimes these days coincide with the days that you realize that you can't keep your house the love filled temple we are all striving for.

and every now and then these days happen at the same time that you are fatter than everyone else at the PAC meeting.

they often seem to be near to the days where you clean all day and still end the day in a disaster zone.

it is not a good idea to check out other people's blogs on these days. their children will look beautiful and be well-behaved in all the photos you see. and their houses will look charming and finished too.

It's like Satan got all his guns lined up in perfect sync. I think I'll crawl under the bed. Let me know when he goes away.

What Can I Do To Have Today Again Tomorrow?

Start at 5:00 with a baby who slept all night.
Watch rainbows grow in the sky on our walk to school.
Reach the end of the rainbow. Literally.
Fill an Ikea bag full of food and clothes and games for the family whose house burned down last night.
Deliver the bag.
Complete all the errands, even the dry cleaning.
Invite Chas on a lunch date and watch his eyes shine over his worms & dirt dessert.
Laugh together at Calvin & Hobbes with Eliza.
Listen to Naomi's post-Activity Days chatter without rushing her.
Soak in the hot tub so that someone can listen to my chatter.
Discover the secret to making the baby giggle. (a belt snapping on the bed--no wonder it took us so long to figure it out.)

Count the tender mercies of the Lord in my life.

It was so great, I think I'll do it all again tomorrow.

"Life is like an old-time rail journey-delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." (Gordon B. Hinckley)

What's Up With Moods? (Part II)

crunchy leaves and pink noses
sun on top and fog beneath
sweatshirt weather
a peaceful pace because we're not late
children holding hands
with each other!
and autumn smells
on our way to school this morning

All Is Right With The World.

It's All Hormones, Right?

Just when I think

that I am not postpartum anymore,

I cry at the 4th Grade Cross-Country meet.

(And am glad that I am wearing sunglasses.)

Why Is My Mood Directly Proportional to Hers?

And how do I sever the link?

y=kx

How Can I Possibly Have a Fever on Day 6 of Antibiotics?

I woke up yesterday with a fever of 100.2.

I took Motrin and Tylenol all day long.

I went to bed with a fever of 102.6.

And now it is 103.5.

I am so mad.

And sad.

And hot.

And cold.

Is This Worth Crying Over?

I've spent 15 hours painting. I've made my husband bail me out of a project he didn't want any part of in the first place. He's spent hours painting and spackling and unhinging. I've moved the furniture and plastic sheets back and forth and back and forth again. I've taped and painted and stretched in ways unhappy for an 8 month pregnant woman. Places in my body that house critical birthing muscles are screaming for me to stop. I've made three trips to the paint store 1/2 an hour away. I've sat in her room with swatches in hand and cried.

I think I hate the colour.

And I still have to finish the second coat.

And Naomi will be home on Saturday and it's a surprise for her birthday, so it has to be finished.

Why Do I Always Leave My Blog Hanging After Downer Posts?

Sorry.

How Much Longer Will We Have A Full Moon?

Its been weeks of werewolves in kids' clothing. Aren't they supposed to revert to children when the moon wanes?

Shouting from top stair to bottom and from bottom stair to top. Shouting with tears.

And owies that are invisible and have not been mentioned for days, but now make it impossible to sleep. Owies that bring tears.

Tantrums over two measures of music. More tears.

Plastic cups, golf balls, and books ricocheting off heads. At least they all got a turn to cry.

Reminder medicine daily. Gagging. No tears.

Time outs every afternoon. No tears, maybe it's not working?

Miserable at the park, miserable at the party, miserable when there's a sub at school and they watch a movie. Tears all the way home.

I'm going to bed. I think I'll have a good cry and return when there's a total lunar eclipse. Apparently that's December 21, 2010.

When Everything Is Going Well...

...Does It Feel Like It Has Always Been That Way?

And When Everything Falls Apart, Does It Feel Like It Will Always Be That Way?

A friend asked me this question several months ago. She and I both agreed that when it's good, we feel that it has always been great and will be rosy from here on out. And when it's a mess, it feels so hopelessly like it has always been that way and will always continue to be that way.

So I started an informal poll of people I talk to and found that the vast majority (all but one) feel this same sort of narrow view. (Hats off to the one!!)

I've heard my brain tell me what a perfect marriage I truly do have only to be shocked a few weeks later that it is not. And I've felt that I would actually trade my children in for any others that were available because there's no way to fix the mess I've made.

This is not a healthy mental attitude, I've decided. It's too black and white. And it can't be what the Lord wants us to feel. So it must be from that Other Guy.

But, what do I do about it?

Do My Kids Think I'm Angry All The Time?

Because I feel angry all the time.

What's Up With Moods?

Why do we go to bed feeling sad sometimes?
Other times with the same set of circumstances it all feels OK.

Birds were singing today. The sun was shining. I bought plants. Children were jumping barefoot on the tramp. Cold cereal was for dinner. And everyone got their chores done, though not cheerfully.

So what's up with moods? Why feel heavy hearted in the face of all that?

Is it realizing I've already gained 35 pounds and still have 14 weeks to go?
Is it my friend going through a divorce that seems so unfair and so eternally tragic?
Is it children whining over chores?
Is it not having had a real meal in three days?
Is it that the mess of a crazy week and a weekend away is all still in every corner of the house?
Is it the $70 I spent on plants and seeds with the weak hope that I'll grow more than that in garden produce? And the even weaker hope that my children will eat any of it?
Is it concern that Dallin carries such a heavy burden to provide for us and pay for this house and continue our comfortable lifestyle complete with piano lessons and store-bought hot dog buns?
Is it worry about when and where Dallin will find a job?
Is it guilt that I am not doing anything to bring in income?
Is it self-absorption?
Is it realizing that my favorite non-Brooks person turns 40 in three days and it's too late to do anything more than say, "You're my favorite"?
Is it that when I decided to have one of those beautiful slow-down moments of watching my kids play and being nearby that it disrupted them and it all ended in arguments and bedtime?
Is it missing my husband who is gone and will be for most of May?
Is it not liking my haircut?
Is it distance from family?
Distance from the ocean?
Distance from my goals?

Maybe it's not enough sleep. That was always my mother's solution--"It will look better in the morning." I've found it to be true, but still,

what's up with tonight?