vig·il /ˈvijəl/

noun

1. 

a period of keeping awake during the time usually spent asleep, especially to keep watch or pray

 

 

there's something about a nighttime vigil with a sick child

when you can relax into it.

something sweet about the silence

something inviting about the comforting

something lovely about it.

 

unless you're worried

or scared

or hopeless.

then it's something completely different. 

 

Darn It!

Sometimes several years can go by and it feels that life is much the same as it has been.

But other times,

Naomi looks like a woman and smiles confidently as she leaves for high school.

Marko runs off to his kindergarten line because he already knows where it is.

And the game of pretending that Lucy is still a baby gets a bit ridiculous as she tells me that "Technically if a peregrine falcon didn't have wings it wouldn't be a bird." 

Darn those other times, when I realize that this stage is slipping away. 

A van with bald tires

and a dented back panel
that is three months overdue for an oil change
on which our (middle-aged) friend wrote "wash me please"
that has leftover lunches
and forgotten school notices
and almost every jacket we own strewn all over the floor
(and probably all of the lost soothers too)

can still be home to a rockin' dance party
consisting of one six year old
his laughing baby brother
and the mother he still thinks is pretty cool.

Rock on.

I Think It's Working

Chas's daily prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please make Mark grow up really fast so that we can do cool boy stuff and he can sleep in my room soon. Bless him not to be a baby anymore. Make him a big boy quick, please.

Amen

I think it's working. Darn it.

Chas, stop praying, OK?


(Chas and Mark having a sword fight.)



how do i bear another's burden?

especially when the burden is my spouse's? because those burdens are mine too.

like, when chas was in the hospital the first time. i had a picture of us meeting crisis like a hallmark card. or like an ensign article. or like...well, i don't know...like the music on jodi's blog. all full of rainbows and marriage to your best friend and everything gonna be all right. it was a photo down a long stark hallway of a couple embracing and strengthening each other. it had a hazy lens look.

but, we weren't the picturesque image i imagined we would be. we were real. we were still us. we still bickered. we both felt overwhelmed. we were both worried beyond description. thank heavens we had others to strengthen us. to help us bear those burdens. i wished we could have carried each other. i wished, at the time, that i could sustain him. i wished he could console me.

as we meet challenges again, i wonder how i can deliver him? i don't like to watch people i love struggle. come to think of it, i don't like to struggle myself.

bearing another's burden, when its already a shared load is complicated. its like buying each other christmas gifts out of the same bank account.

do you just watch? like when a kid is throwing up and you sit by them even though its gross.

do you panic too, so that you are truly empathizing and then you both drown together?

do you smile and say it will all be ok and try to create a happy mood around the house which just might be the waterwings for everyone? but maybe that seems oblivious, even callous.

"the fold of God...his people...are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light" (mosiah 18:8)

i'm willing. i just haven't figured it out yet.
that could almost be my life motto. (or my next blog theme.)

Who Does Chas's Big Pumpkin Look Like?

Don't start guessing family members.

We chewed on this one for a while.

Dallin finally got it worked out...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Jean Claude!

.

The French Pea from Veggie Tales!!

.

Ta-Da!!!

I guess Chas had a vision when he was determined to carve the tiniest face on the top of the hugest pumpkin in our Halloween history (or Halloween future, by the way.)

How Is Chas Doing? (Part II)

(original post--click here)

This is not really a post about how Chas is doing at all. How he's doing involves soccer goals and piano practices, kindergarten field trips and playdates, birthday parties and work projects with dad. A bunch of delightfully typical, normal, run-of-the-mill kind of stuff.

This is really all about a 13 mm nodule in his brain that is sitting there doing nothing. Affecting nothing. And, for the last eight months, not changing, growing, spreading, or doing anything at all.

.

Thank God.

.

Literally.

-------March 2009 MRI-----------------------October 2009 MRI----

How About A Primary Song?

It was a tender moment. Chas and Mark and me.

Mark looked at us with peaceful newborn eyes.

Should we sing him a song, Chas?

Yeah.

What should we sing him?

How about a primary song?

OK, what Primary Song?

"She Keeps On Talking"

If you aren't familiar with this 1980s winner, click play below.

And Question #195--How come you can't post just a song to a blog? Why does it have to be a video?

"How Come They Only Have One Kid?"

Me: "I don't know."

Chas: "Maybe they're not so lucky like us."

Should I Bother Buying a Baby Book?

Baby Burrito began to smile yesterday.

I realized that a dutiful mother would write this down somewhere. Does blogging count?

Naomi has a baby book. It is 3/4 full of humorous anecdotes, critical-to-remember dates, and adorable pictures.

Eliza has a baby book because I was not going to be one of those mothers who only kept a record of her eldest's life. I feverishly wrote in Eliza's baby book every possible moment so that it would be robust like her sister's. Somehow it still only ended up about 1/3 full.

Chas has a baby book because when Eliza was born I was given two. It has three entries, and I don't know where it is. I comforted myself over the last five years by saying that, Although, I was not keeping a record of his life, I was doing the things that really mattered, like snuggling with him and drawing with chalk on the driveway. I also committed to memory every significant date so that I could go back in and fill out the baby book as soon as I had a minute. Needless to say, all those life-altering milestone dates have long since slipped into brain oblivion.

So, do I even bother buying Mark a baby book? I know I won't fill it out. The real question is, Will the guilt be greater if I don't buy the book at all or if I own it and it sits unused on my shelf?

This time I'm going to console myself with, Boys won't care about their babyhood the same way girls do. (If you disagree with this statement, you are invited to keep your comments to yourself.)

"How Does The Baby Come Out?"

"Does your head come off?"

Does my head come off!?!

"Yeah, like, it pops off and the baby comes out and then they put it back on?"

Did You know That Me And Dad Are The Coolest People On The Earth?

"Why are you wearing sunglasses at breakfast? Is it sunny in here?"

"No, just to be cool...

Did you know that me and Dad are the coolest people on the earth?"

"Oh, you are? How do you know?"

"I traveled around the world."

"You did?"

"Yeah, to see what I could see."

"Oh, what did you see?"

"The people of the earth are beautiful to me."

"Oh."

"But they weren't cool like me and Dad. We're the coolest."

What Are You Doing In Your Backyard?

Dallin answers with something about improving the drainage. (There wasn't really a problem except for the soggy sandbox.)

I've been saying it will make the yard bigger, but it turns out that we'll only add about 10 feet.

I think it may really be about Boys and Big Toys.

Why Do We Spend $215/Year On A Membership To Science World?

Scientific enlightenment for our children, of course.

What's the Difference Between Boys and Girls?

5-year-old Brielle shows me her bouquet.

5-year-old Chas shows me his bouquet.

Who Wants A Pet?

"I do!" (Naomi)
"I do!" (Eliza)
"I do!" (Chas)

Who will feed it every day?

"I will!" (Eliza)
"I will!" (Chas)

Who will clean up it's poo every day?

"I will." (Eliza)

They're dropping like flies.
I just needed one more question.

"Are They Going To Put Us In Jail?"

It's just a speeding ticket, but my five-year-old thinks the police officers are going to put us in jail.

When I was a kid "Officer Friendly" came to visit our school every year. I knew that a policeman was my friend. A person who could be trusted in a world of stranger danger. A man to be looked up to. A respected guardian of our safe way of life.

My children say (Monkey see. Monkey do.), "Watch out, Mom, there's a cop up there."

About four years ago I got a ticket for running a stop sign. Naomi asked with a colorless, panicked face whether the policeman was going to shoot us.

Somehow I think I'm not teaching this lesson very well.

"How Do The Pictures Get Onto The Computer?"

"Do they roll up really small and go through the wire?" (Chas)

That's about my level of understanding of technology too. I wish technology wouldn't move on until I get simple things like radio waves and cassette players figured out. I'm getting left behind.

Why Are You Still In There?

I was in the shower for a long time.

Chas came to find me.

Why was I still in there?

Because I had promised to play Power Rangers with him when I got out.

I'm so bad at this sort of thing. (click here for original post)

What Can We Do About The Hurting and Shouting?

In a family counsel at dinner last night, the topic was one unnamed person's hurting and shouting and what we should do about it.

Most of the ideas ran along the lines of time-out and extra chores.

Chas's solution: "Dad and I could move somewhere else. Like maybe a different country. Like maybe Utah."