how do i bear another's burden?

especially when the burden is my spouse's? because those burdens are mine too.

like, when chas was in the hospital the first time. i had a picture of us meeting crisis like a hallmark card. or like an ensign article. or like...well, i don't know...like the music on jodi's blog. all full of rainbows and marriage to your best friend and everything gonna be all right. it was a photo down a long stark hallway of a couple embracing and strengthening each other. it had a hazy lens look.

but, we weren't the picturesque image i imagined we would be. we were real. we were still us. we still bickered. we both felt overwhelmed. we were both worried beyond description. thank heavens we had others to strengthen us. to help us bear those burdens. i wished we could have carried each other. i wished, at the time, that i could sustain him. i wished he could console me.

as we meet challenges again, i wonder how i can deliver him? i don't like to watch people i love struggle. come to think of it, i don't like to struggle myself.

bearing another's burden, when its already a shared load is complicated. its like buying each other christmas gifts out of the same bank account.

do you just watch? like when a kid is throwing up and you sit by them even though its gross.

do you panic too, so that you are truly empathizing and then you both drown together?

do you smile and say it will all be ok and try to create a happy mood around the house which just might be the waterwings for everyone? but maybe that seems oblivious, even callous.

"the fold of God...his people...are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light" (mosiah 18:8)

i'm willing. i just haven't figured it out yet.
that could almost be my life motto. (or my next blog theme.)

Where's The Shallow End?

'Cause I'm tired of being in over my head.

Who Is My Midwife Going To Be?

Six months ago I was scrambling to find a midwife who would take me. I believe strongly in midwifery care. I think it is loving, practical, and time-tested. I was desperate to find a midwife who could squeeze me in.

I was on three wait lists. I waited.

Then I was off three wait lists and had the luxury of choosing whichever practice I wanted.

I met with them all, had awkward conversations where I had to say that I liked so-and-so better than you. And I chose one.

Now between moving practices, moving cities, and a severe thyroid problem, the midwives are trying to figure out what to do with me and all of their other August moms. The temporary midwife will be here until an undetermined date, don't worry they'll find someone from a neighbouring clinic to cover, they're sure it will all work out, and "all midwives are very nice. I'm sure it will be fine."

So much for emotional security and a long-term relationship that supports a woman in this most sacred and vulnerable of times.

Did I mention that my husband will be gone and unreachable for ten days (until two days before my due date)?

What's Up With Moods?

Why do we go to bed feeling sad sometimes?
Other times with the same set of circumstances it all feels OK.

Birds were singing today. The sun was shining. I bought plants. Children were jumping barefoot on the tramp. Cold cereal was for dinner. And everyone got their chores done, though not cheerfully.

So what's up with moods? Why feel heavy hearted in the face of all that?

Is it realizing I've already gained 35 pounds and still have 14 weeks to go?
Is it my friend going through a divorce that seems so unfair and so eternally tragic?
Is it children whining over chores?
Is it not having had a real meal in three days?
Is it that the mess of a crazy week and a weekend away is all still in every corner of the house?
Is it the $70 I spent on plants and seeds with the weak hope that I'll grow more than that in garden produce? And the even weaker hope that my children will eat any of it?
Is it concern that Dallin carries such a heavy burden to provide for us and pay for this house and continue our comfortable lifestyle complete with piano lessons and store-bought hot dog buns?
Is it worry about when and where Dallin will find a job?
Is it guilt that I am not doing anything to bring in income?
Is it self-absorption?
Is it realizing that my favorite non-Brooks person turns 40 in three days and it's too late to do anything more than say, "You're my favorite"?
Is it that when I decided to have one of those beautiful slow-down moments of watching my kids play and being nearby that it disrupted them and it all ended in arguments and bedtime?
Is it missing my husband who is gone and will be for most of May?
Is it not liking my haircut?
Is it distance from family?
Distance from the ocean?
Distance from my goals?

Maybe it's not enough sleep. That was always my mother's solution--"It will look better in the morning." I've found it to be true, but still,

what's up with tonight?

Do You Want To Sit Somewhere Comfier?

My world crashed down around me a bit yesterday. I actually cried. Chas couldn't believe it. His sweet voice said, "Mom, Why are you just sitting there? Do you want to sit somewhere comfier? It's not all your fault you know." That cheered me up. And today was better.

Is This Child Sick?

No. His mother is having a nervous breakdown.